A twist in My Story
by PenguinJenni
Summary: "… I don't ever want to forget Julia so I will do whatever it takes to keep her close to my heart… forever and always…" Eli decides to keep a journal where he will write to Julia about his life without her and of course meeting Clare. Enjoy
1. Saying Sorry

So um I know I am not the best writer in the world and I am sorry I havent really continued my other stories… I have been busy with school but I am on vacation now and I hope ill be able to get back to those stories… unless of course more people like this story then I will try and focus more on this…

Umm what can I say I had this random idea while I was baking brownies the other day and well it was what if Eli kept a journal writing to Julia everyday and tells her about clare and stuff… well I did that once when I lost a close friend to me and it was a good way to cope so I thought hey maybe it will be cool to see Eli POV on his thoughts everyday… umm please I am begging that you review or tweet me telling me what you think of this story idea cuz I wanna make sure I am not writing for nothing and people will actually read this

Okay well enough rambling umm I hope you enjoy the first chapter to this story… enjoy!

OH btw I seriously suck at writing so sorry if there are grammar mistakes everywhere or I ate some commas =D OH and I have written like 5 chapters to this story already so I hope u guys like….

OKAY enjoy!

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25-5-09

Its been over a month since I've lost the one and only person I have ever loved so much. I don't even know why I am writing in this journal it seems pointless, it isn't gonna bring her back… *sigh* my mother suggested I write in a journal to Julia telling her about my day like if she were still alive, still here in my arms, still breathing, still smiling, still shining and making my world so much brighter… I protested at first JULIA IS GONE but I think this journal is an okay idea to help me overcome this great gap that is now missing in my heart… so here goes nothing I guess… I don't ever want to forget Julia so I will do whatever it takes to keep her close to my heart… forever and always…

_Dear Julia,_

I have started a journal where I will write to you everyday I still don't know what to write, I wish you weren't gone I wish you were still here. I've decided to lock myself in my room for over 3 weeks now. I cant face anyone at school, they all blame me for your death Jules and to tell you the truth I blame myself too. If we hadn't been fighting, if I had just let you stay the night instead of going off on your bike that night in the rain you would still be alive. I know it wasn't me the one that ran you over but it may as well have been me because well it was all my fault… I lost the one and only person closest to me in a matter of minutes and what were the last words I told that I hated you and I wish you were dead. I could never hate you Julia and I really wish you weren't dead, I love you Julia, I always will and I am sorry I killed you. Remember back in elementary school when the older kids would bully me and take my lunch money away? Well its gotten worse these past few weeks, they aren't just making fun of me or trying to take my lunch money. No they wish I were the one that were dead, they want me to get run over by a drunk driver, they just want me gone from that school. Julia you always gave me the strength to keep moving on and to not fight these bullies but you are no longer here. I killed you and now I am getting bullied at school, I deserve it I guess. I think I will stay in my room forever and talk to you. I don't ever want to forget you and well I would very much rather be here spending time with you spiritually then at school dealing with people who want me gone. Julia you were the light in my world, its so dark now and I have grown to fear darkness. I need you back please why did you have to go, why did you have to die?

I ended up writing about how much I miss you and wish you were here instead of how my day has been and instead of talking to you like if you were still here. Ummm I really don't know what to even say I've been in my room for a while now. I think my parents are going to make me move towns and school next month. They want me to have a fresh new start, but I'm afraid I'll end up forgetting you and that is something I do not ever want to do. I don't ever want to forgot you. What if I start to forget you what will I do with myself. I don't think anyone can ever replace you in my heart but what if all my thoughts and memories I shared with you start to fade away. What if I forget about our first date or the first time we made love. What if I can no longer remember what you even looked like. I cant imagine that, I cant imagine a world without you, I cant imagine going a day without thinking of you and your pretty face; I miss so much. Julia I don't know what to do with myself, we had all our future planned out already, we were going to go to college together, travel the entire world, get married and have a huge house with a lot of pretty little Eli and Julia juniors running around. What am I suppose to do with myself now?

Seriously I cant even write about how my day went I just keep going back to how much I miss you, how much I need you right now. How can I ever forgive myself for killing you, oh man here I go again Julia I am pretty sure I am starting to annoy you with all this mushy talk, our relationship was never about the mushy things. But to tell you the truth I miss you, you were the only person on this earth who understood me and loved me for being well me. I don't think I will ever find anyone else who will love me the way you did and understands me without trying to change who I am . Please don't tell me my parents love me for who I am because its just not the same thing, they're suppose to love you. Its funny because not only did I lose the one and only person I loved but I lost my best and only friend I have ever had. I've never been that great at making friends, heck I don't even know why you stuck around Julia. You really truly loved me because I don't think I would be friends with myself. I just keep rambling don't I?

I wish I could hear your voice right now telling me everything would be okay, that you were still here. All I wanted was more time so I would be able to apologize to you and kiss you one last time, hold you in my arms for a moment longer maybe make love to you one more time. Couldn't we get more time?

I think there is something wrong with my eyes… I have no more tears left. I have cried my eyes dried. Wow I didn't think that was even possible. If you were here I bet you would be rolling on the floor laughing at how much I have been crying. Remember that time we watched the notebook and at the end you were laughing at me because I was crying? Aha and what was my excuse "well Julia your hair poked my eye." Now that I think about it your hair really did poke my eye but not enough for me to be crying like a baby on the couch. Well you remember that night right? I am crying 100 times more than that right now, well not anymore I have dried my eyes out and now I am just sighing a lot and trying to find a way to close my eyes and see your pretty brown eyes starring back at me.

I am not sure what else to write anymore I keep closing my eyes and seeing your face and I keep forgetting that you are no longer here. I keep thinking that you went out of town or your at your parents house trying to solve the problems you have been having with your step mom. I keep hoping that I will get a text message from you in a bit saying "I am sorry something came up and I cant go over tonight. Good night, I love you" I've been writing to you for over 3 hours now and you know what I think its time for me to try and get some sleep. In my dreams your still alive in my arms breathing and healthier than ever. Maybe I will sleep forever so we can be together forever just like we were suppose to be. Goodnight Julia I love you, I hope to talk to you another time. Thanks for always being there for me and loving me no matter what.

Forever your,

Eli Goldsworthy

P.S.- I may not write every single day because their really isn't anything new in my life and I don't want to annoy you with all these sad depressing thoughts I am always having. I love you Julia and I hope you know that. I will always love you, no one will ever be able to replace you. I will never forget you, you will continue to forever live in my heart.

Goodnight my love.

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Okay so whatdidyathink?

Reviews would be greatly appreciated =D

Thnxs for reading! Much love!


	2. The truth about heaven

So umm i dont think anyone really reads my story so i have stopped writing officially =\ ill just post the 5 chapters i have so far and well yeah...

if you do read my story please let me know it feels pointless writing this if no one reads it or at least i think no one reads it

And well yeah ummm enjoy i guess ...

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29-5-09

Hello my love,

I am sorry its been a while. I havent been busy so I cant use that as an excuse and its not like I lost all the pens in my house. I've just been thinking and I really don't want to bore you with my sad thoughts about how much I miss and need you. I think that by now you are well aware how much I need you in my life and I am sure you know that without you I am completely lost. But today I am going to try and write to you what I have been up to lately. I am going to try and write what it has been like living without you. As I write this I will pretend that you are next to me or in my arms just like we always were right before going to sleep when we would share how are day went. So here goes nothing I guess

This week has been pretty rough on me. Almost a month since I stopped going to school, I don't think I have even seen the sunlight for almost a month. No I didn't turn into one of those sparkly vampires you hated, I just havent found a reason to go out side. I woke up early yesterday and was walking downstairs when I heard my parents talking, about me of course. They were discussing the idea of moving house or just moving schools. No one at school really knows where I live so I decided to let them know that there was no need to move houses and going to a new school might actually be a good idea. What do you think Jules, I know it means getting away from the place where all our memories lie but no one wants me there; they all want me dead. I will never forget you Julia but I think it would be best if I go to a new school. I think my parents suggested I go to Degrassi, which was our rival school when it came to football games remember. Not that we ever really went to football games but you know what school I am talking about right. I guess considering the school was our rival no one would ever think I were there or even come looking for me. I know so many people hate me right now and I am not some coward running away but I need to find a safer place for me to be able to go to school. Not that I know what I will do with myself once I get an education because frankly the only reason I was going to go to college was to be with you. What am I even suppose to major in? English just because I can write a few poems and make them sound great? I don't mean to go on and on about how much I need you but do you see how lost I am without you Julia.

Well I am not sure when I will be attending this new high school but since the school year was almost coming to an end, I will finish this school year at home (yeah home school how lame, you would totally be making fun of me right now). And then in September when the new school year at Degrassi starts I will enter as a junior and get ready for a fresh new start. Now that I think about it I am going to have to deal with people starring at me and making assumptions about me all over again. I really don't care what they think or what they are even going to say but I don't want them to hurt Morty's feelings. Speaking about Morty, he misses you I think he is breaking down more often now. Would you look at that even my car falls apart without you.

I need you to be here for me when I start this new school. I am so nervous. Since I have the worst people skills in the world I guess I will be a loner for the next two years. You were the only person who ever really kept me company and I question myself why because you were great at making friends. The only company I will have during lunch will be you in my heart. I will write to you then and read to you all your favorite stories by Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe and we'll read Harry Potter of course.

*sigh* Harry Potter… I guess I am going to have to read the books by myself now and go to the movies alone. Come to think of it I don't think I will be able to see the movie coming out this summer without crying throughout all the movie. I cannot break our tradition, I refuse to go watch Harry Potter without you, so I guess I wont go watch it. I bet your mad at me now am I right? I am sorry though I cant watch those movies without you it wouldn't be the same. I think those were the only movies we would actually watch when we went to the movies. I remember going to the movies with you to see other movies and well lets just say we don't exactly remember what happens in the movie am I right Julia. Oh the memories. I love it when these random memories come into my head and all I can think about is you for the rest of the night.

I ended up talking about these great memories we once shared at the movies instead of how my day went. But like I said the other time I don't really do much I just lay here starring at the ceiling in my room hoping that the phone will ring and it will be you on the other line. Come to think of it, I have not come out of my room all day today and it is almost 5pm. I am not hungry and I do not wish to see my parents right now. I don't even think they are home right now, the house has been extremely quit all day maybe they left to some concert or one of those all day event my dad has to go to for the radio station.

Julia what are you thinking about right now? I know this is a silly question to ask but I was just wondering if we can still finish each other thoughts and sentences. I was just thinking about the time we went to the aquarium and we both fell in love with penguins. I thought it was so romantic hearing about how the penguins would chose their mate and never leave their side. You thought it was so cute how the father was the one that cared for the egg while the mother went out to find food. We even made a deal that day that I would be the one raising our children in the future. Although I don't think you were kidding I really did enjoy the idea of me raising our children. You would come home to see them all running around head banging and listening to some metallica. Oh you would have been one proud momma.

I cant stop smiling now, I am surprised I have not cried once since I started writing in the journal today. I think I am making some progress if you ask me. I was actually going to clean my room today when I noticed your bags were on the floor with most of your belongings. I starred at the bags for a while and then decided to unpack for you, because you will be staying in my room forever. Instead of cleaning my room I think I may have created a bigger mess but I don't care you are here with me and that is all that matters. I sure hope my mom doesn't come into my room and freak out, I am thinking about having a lock on my door because knowing my mother she is going to want to clean up my "mess" and I don't want that. I may have also stopped throwing away the trash but that's not because I want to keep it I just don't feel like going outside, not even out of my room.

I am so happy I get to talk to you everyday. Its just like it use to be every night before going to sleep. My hand hurts so much right now I think I have been writing for quiet some time already but I can handle the pain. Its not as bad as not having you here. Oh man here I go again saying how much I miss you, I really don't wanna cry tonight. I have so many happy thoughts going through my head and so many great memories I don't want to ruin them by depressing myself right now. So I guess I will be going to sleep now. I hope you have sweet dreams Julia. I love you more than anything else in the world and I hope you know that I am sorry for killing you.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I was listening to one of your favorite bands today Armor For Sleep, I wasn't there biggest fan but guess what song I have stuck in my head… "The Truth about Heaven" ironic right?

Well goodnight my love.

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=D

hope u liked it!

Reviews would be nice, even if u hate it please let me know

okay well byebye! 3


	3. Life on Standby

So umm maybe just maybe if i dont have writers block ill write more chapter for the 3 people that read this LOL thnxs for reading though and for reviewing =D it makes me happy ... i had alot of great ideas for this story and i like getting into Eli's head its fun =D again sorry i know we dont like julia that much but for this story its important so yeah... ummm if you have any ideas for me or you just wanna tell me how much u hate or love this please let me know ahaha... okay well no more talking ahaha

**DISCLAIMER**: i forgot to mention this in the pther chapters but yeah I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI =( sucks i know dont remind me ...

OKAY well enjoy =D

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02-6-09

Hey Julia,

It feels like its been forever since I last talked to you. But it hasn't, its only been a few days and that is because no matter how much I miss you I keep forgetting to write in this journal. I talk to you in my head all the time but the idea of writing daily in my "diary" as my dad calls it, is hard for me to remember. There really isn't anything new to tell you, your dad came by the house the other day. He looked different, I guess he looked different to me because he was actually sober for once. He was worried about me, which was weird you know coming from your dad but he talked to me for a while. We were remembering the time you made dinner for both of us and you almost burnt down the house for dessert. I will always remember looking at those black cookies and thinking I sure hope she throws them away. But no you instead that we tried them and well being nice and all I tried them and since then I have never tasted anything more disgusting in my life. I remember seeing the tears in your eyes as me and your dad made the worst faces in the earth and we decided that next time I would make the dessert instead. That day was funny and I guess its one of your dad's favorite memories because we talked about that night for almost an hour.

We may have lost track of time talking about you and how much we both missed you. To tell you the truth I half expected your dad to try and kill me for having hurt you so badly, for having destroyed you completely. But he didn't hate me its like he knew what it was like to lose someone. And then I remembered 5 years ago when you lost your mother and I understood why he wasn't mad at me and I was glad that I had someone to talk to besides you and my parents. Before he left he gave me back that necklace I gave you when I asked you to be my girlfriend. Remember the one with the guitar pick, I guess you weren't wearing it the night you died because your dad had found it under your pillow while he was doing some cleaning in your room.

I kind of dazed off into a memory right now and completely forgot what I was writing. I was remembering those beautiful brown eyes of yours and the way they looked at me that day we went to the fair. I will always remember how much you wanted that big stuffed animal giraffe but the game was nearly impossible to beat and I had almost spent all my money on that booth. But those brown eyes just looked at me with such sadness I knew I had to win that giraffe if it was the last thing I did. I think I spent well over 40 bucks at that booth that the lady felt bad and well just handed you the giraffe. I felt kind of stupid I really wanted to win it for you. Somehow you convinced me that I had won it for you. I will never forget what you named that giraffe well because you named it kitty. Ha our first child, according to you was a giraffe named kitty. Wow. Well yeah I was just thinking about that night right now and I was wondering if you remembered how much fun we used to have just by going to the fair. I miss those days.

I think more and more of you each day and the more I think the more it hits me that you arent coming back. I wish you were though because I just want to be able to hear your voice one last time. See there I go rambling again about how much I need you in my life. Look Julia I am sorry if I bore you, I don't know who else to talk to and well you are the only person that ever really did listen to me anyways. I cant keep things bottled inside any longer. I feel like one day I will explode and end up killing myself or something.

I am sorry it gets out of hand sometimes, you know this depression stage. Sometimes the only way for me to be happy is to close my eyes and pretend that you are here with me. And then I open my eyes and everything goes back to being gloomy and not worth living anymore. I get angry for no apparent reason now and I have scared my mom a few times with these fits of mine. I start crying when no one is around me and laugh when absolutely nothing is funny. Julia don't you see what you are doing to me, your no longer here and I am going crazier everyday without you.

I took a quick break from writing for a while because well my emotions were just all over the place and I needed to breathe. I actually started doodling on the back pages of the journal. You always liked seeing my drawings. Would you like me to share with you what I drew? Well I didn't draw anything special this time I was playing tic tac toe by myself and just scribbling lines and your name all over the place. I remember when I would draw those funny cartoons you always liked. You would always ask about the story behind my drawings, you would give the characters on my paper life. I miss that about you. A simple drawing of a tree and you would all of a sudden have a story for where he came from and what his name was.

Oh Jules, what can I say you were something special. I don't think I will ever find anyone like you ever. I miss you best friend. I really enjoy talking to you but I wish I could hold you in my arms one more time. I seriously need you right now. I don't know how I am going to deal with going to a new school all by myself without you by my side.

I kind of want to keep writing to you until my hand falls off but I think that before I get all sad and depressed thinking about you I am going to close my eyes and dream about your pretty smile and eyes and wish that I were holding you right now in my arms. My dreams are way better than reality.

I love you Julia

Forever and always

Eli

P.S. I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and it all reminds me of you. Wow music is no longer my escape it just reminds me more and more of you.

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Soooo didya like it? LOL

Review or dont its okay...

bye bye much love 3


	4. Dont Forget

Hey guys sorry i havent updated in forever i was ummm kinda stuck with this story i mean i still kinda am stuck but i think that next chapter is going to be the last day of summer vacation and the start of a new school for Eli... i dont want to bore anyone to death reading about Eli being sad all summer long so yeah gonna skip a bit sorry please dont hate me... ummm yeah i hope you guys enjoy it oh and sorry this is the shortest chapter i have ever written because i felt the need to update already since yeah its been forever... one more thing this story was rated M because i was thinking of where it would go later but i think i am changing it to T for now just because of language maybe violence idk... okay enough of me enjoy this chapter...

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI OR THE CHARACTERS... I know sucks ...

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04-6-09

Dear Julia

So I decided to go out today since summer break hadn't started yet and people would still be in school. I took Morty for a drive to my new school just to see where I would be attending in a couple of months. I came back to find my mom in my room cleaning it. I don't know what got into me but I flipped the fuck out. I was so fucking pissed. And I still am I mean I am sorry I am cussing and I know you never really liked that. But I cant believe my mom was in my room trying to clean it. I leave things a certain way because I want to. They remind me of you…

I guess my mom was really scared when I flipped out and she sat me down and started talking to me about life. She told me that everything happens for a reason and that it was all part of life that you had to die at such a young age. I am sorry but I don't see what the reason was to take you away from me. I don't think I will ever be able to understand why you had to die that night. Why couldn't we get more time, shit! Ugh I will never understand that and if there is a god out there then he is one fucked up man taking you at such a young age. I am sorry I need to calm down before I keep writing I know you never liked seeing me mad. The last time you saw me I was mad and I don't want you to remember me just as Mad Eli so I'll take a quick break from writing to you.

I am sorry I kind of went crazy for a moment there, I just feel so out of place when my things are moved around in my room. I think I will for sure be getting a lock now just in case my mom decides to try and clean my room again. I just feel so out of place when something in my room is moved. I don't know what is going on with me anymore. Julia I need things to be in a certain place or I lose it. Every little thing reminds me of you and I cant seem to be able to let go of the simplest can of soda or any little thing that reminds me of you and your beautiful eyes. Julia do you miss me as much as I miss you? I will always love you….

I was thinking about the times we would just go to the park and sit under your favorite tree and just talk or stare at each other until it got dark and cold. I wanted to go to the park the other day but I couldn't get myself to walk out the front door. Too many memories came rushing back just thinking about the park, now imagine if I were their, I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. Who am I kidding I cant even control my emotions now while I am in my own room.

I feel like I've gotten lost inside these four walls, I feel like this is the only place that reminds me of you. every time I am here I think about what we would be doing if you were still here with me. I am sorry I wont be writing much today I just feel so emotionally confused right now and I wish you were here to just give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be alright. Well if you were here I don't think I would even be feeling like this. I just want you to know one more thing before I stop writing, Julia I love you I hope you know that I will never be able to love anyone the way I loved you. I miss you so much and I just wish that this were all a nightmare I would wake up from in a few minutes and have you next to me sleeping so peacefully.

I hope you always remember I love you.

Love always,

Elijah

P.S. Yeah, I still hate my full name but you always liked the way it sounded, didn't you?

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Well?

again sorry this was super short but i updated which is important right?

okay well hope you enjoyed it ummm review if u wanna and thnxs for reading

much love =D


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